can you help me get there?
a ride? a conversation? an engine?
hi friends, i wrote this a while ago and it feels unfinished- but hopefully everything is. its here now anyway
its thursday morning at 8am, ive just dropped maddy at work (i’m borrowing their car to go to a job interview on a farm later this morning) and i’m sitting on the couch waiting for my coffee to cool enough to take the first sip. rain is falling softly outside and the light coming in from the windows is muted. a warm lamp glows in the corner and gloria looks at me from the floor.
ive been feeling frustrated- time has passed so quickly and lots of things in my life are pushing me to change while others call me back to the past. ive been losing and breaking things (my glasses, my car) and finding others (moments of clarity). and i’ve been finding myself in this spot, writing an email to a friend or in my journal and feeling relief at sitting still with it all. im trying to remember that i dont have to know the way forward.
ive been having to slow way down- no car, no social media, lots of sickness. i am having to rely on others and think differently about how i can be relied upon. being less in control is linking up with reflections on communication and understanding. im often holding onto things to control the outcome. this really doesn’t work out when im relying on someone else to get me where i’d like to go.
i used to think that controlling myself, being measured in what i say and when, where and how i take up space, made me a more selfless and dedicated member of my community. while i still value thoughtfulness, i am learning that instead of making room for others or offering up the best version of myself, this control relies on assumptions and calculations that have created a wall around me. it keeps me from being with people in the messiness we most need others to sort through1. im grateful for the opportunities to make a mess out of what i say and learn to put it all out there so that we can hold things together. things are not slow enough and yet far too slow. i want to have time to listen and not try to find answers, to just hear whats going on with you.
im sitting with a lot of longing and disappointment and i want to invite you in to share it with me. its closely related to what i wrote in my last post, “what we do have is grief”. so many around me including myself are grasping for hope and community and connection but even as we try to build it, something often feels missing. we have a constellation of important, meaningful, fulfilling moments but when they end, i return to a feeling of being alone in my experience. it still feels as though i am holding everything as an individual.
in my friendships and community organizing we have worked hard to build something beyond the individual. something to hold us and distribute the weight of our hope and grief and effort across a larger surface area than any of us could manage alone and i’m feeling as though i have failed. the truth is most of us have a safety net of coping skills and habits (many informed by a culture of white supremacy) and we are rightfully afraid to give it up. our fear drives us to hide behind the familiar “comforts” of isolation and white supremacy culture. and it keeps us from our commitment to true solidarity —which Justin Podur2 describes as our most powerful tool against the impossible grief and violence waged by white supremacy, imperialism, and capitalism. similarly, in the Wretched of the Earth, Fanon emphasizes that everything depends on the masses and “a new militant could be trusted only when he could no longer return to the colonial system” - everyone needs to be personally responsible for the death of the colonist. ive recently been pouring over political analysis and much of what ive read points to solidarity and a robust front against state being hinged on two things: sacrifice and concrete demands. if we decide that we cannot go back, solidarity is all we have. and if we are clear about what we are fighting for, if we can make an agreement with others about these goals, it is much easier to trust that we will each give all we have to that end.
in order to be clear in our goals and immerse ourselves in solidarity, we have to give up the tendency to protect ourselves. and instead think of how we can invite in our friends and neighbors to protect each other. its clear to me that being able to do this also depends on trusting that others will also be there to do it for you (faith). so, it returns me to the question of where do we start. i have been starting with peeling back the protection of indirect communication to expose myself to collaboration and conflict. and i have been seeking the spiritual resilience i need to stick it out when being imperfect inevitably makes that difficult.
anyway, the point is we cant handle all this as individuals. not the goals, not the grief, not the hope, not even the dinner! and its scary to let go of the few things we ~can~ do by ourselves but perhaps its necessary if we ever want to do the other things. and frankly we have to do them so cmon and let go with me or lets wrench our hands away together or something!
thanks for reading, im also going to post some more abstract writing about some feelings ive been having that are quite the opposite. im not going to send it to your inbox but im trying to make my self a public resource so read it if you want :)
also im raising money for a friend- Black single mom in KY, who is escaping DV. she needs $150 asap pls venmo @Vienna_Peoples <3
below is a message from a friend.
as always… pleeeeeaaase write me back and tell me your thoughts!
i love you
emma
My friend is supporting a family in Gaza who is in desperate need of support. Their fundraiser hasn't been getting much attention recently, and now that the bombing has started again, they need more help than ever to survive. Please consider donating whatever you can to help them get food and shelter--anything helps! https://givebutter.com/wadih
If you have been feeling helpless or hopeless about the state of the world and want to use your interests and passions to plug in and help fundraise, even if you're not sure exactly how, please contact my friend at bonemerrow@proton.me Please send this to your friends and loved ones! Thank you so much ❤️
thinking about this from conversations with friends and this article from erotics of liberation